Tuesday, 19 February 2013

AFL Integrity Officers will do it tough!

The AFL is recommending each club employ an Integrity officer to monitor and report on any drugs or organised crime activities within but independent from the club.

In the movie, The Hunt for Red October, a Political Officer is placed aboard the submarine to monitor activities which may not be in accordance with the policies of the Soviet Union.

A pariah to be sure, the Political Officer comes to mind with a football twist centred on the Carlton Football Club…..

“The Blackest Day in Sport”

“And the Seventh angel poured forth his bowl into the air, and a voice cried out from the Labor caucus saying...

“It is done”

Integrity Officer: A man with your responsibilities reading about the end of the competition. Huh. And what’s this “I am become death, the destroyer of sport”.

Malthouse: It is from an ancient Sherrin text quoted by a soccer player”

Integrity officer: Soccer player?

Malthouse: He invented the flood or forward press and was later accused of being offside”

Integrity officer: You wrote and underlined these passages?

Malthouse: No. This book belonged to the Collingwood FC I keep it for sentimental value.

Integrity Officer: I’m sorry about Eddie McGuire, comrade.  2012 should have been your year. The succession plan was….unfortunate.  I’m only doing my job, it is my responsibility.

Malthouse: How many agents did the AFL send to my club?

Integrity Officer: Your club, comrade?

Malthouse: Yes

Integrity Officer: This club belongs to the people of Lygon Street, Carlton. Besides if the AFL or ASADA has agents at the club I would be the last to know.

I suggest we open our training orders, comrade.

“From Gillon McLachlan, second commander AFL Headquarters. We are to proceed North to Goschs Paddock and rendezvous with the Collingwood Football Club”. Comrade Buckley’s club.

Malthouse: You know Buckley?

Integrity Officer: I know he descended from Port Adelaide and that he was your student. It is rumoured he has a special place in his heart for you”

Malthouse: There’s little room in Buckley’s heart for anyone but Buckley.

Integrity Officer: Having made contact, we are to run a series of drills. They will check our blood levels, whilst we check them for tattoos and criminal links.

Having evaluated operational compliance within WADA guidelines we are to return to the MCG on or about the end of the March.

Integrity Officer: Comrade, this is an historic moment. I’d like to make a request.

Malthouse: Before you proceed, comrade…

Integrity Officer: I know it’s not protocol, but would you permit me to post our drill instructions and inform the players of our ‘mission’?

Malthouse: Aah! Where I’m going you cannot follow…

(Picks up the phone)
Malthouse: Doc Peter Larkins report to my office immediately.

There’s been a dreadful accident!

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